As I sit at a desk that's actually clean enough for me to put my laptop on, drinking water instead of Diet Coke and coffee, next to a bed that's cleaned off to the point that i'm not sleeping under clothes, I am actually caught up on all of my reading for my classes, have a few volunteer hours under my belt already, and seemingly have my life together. I got 10 hours of sleep last night and woke up early enough to go get breakfast and have a little bit of leisure time before my first class. On paper, i've actually got my life together (or as together as a 19 year old can get), but as I was sitting in class this morning I realized that I don't have anything together. At all. This semester has hit me like a freight train, and i've just kind of been laying on the tracks trying to figure out how to stand back up.
If you know me pretty well, you know that i'm pretty honest. You also know that I had a super rough month long patch in October last year that culminated with a doctors visit on Halloween last year. In the name of honesty, I have to talk about that experience. I left that doctors office with a Prozac prescription and a complete feeling of defeat. I hadn't felt as bad as I did at that point since I was in the eleventh grade (which we just don't talk about. Ever.). I wasn't thrilled with the prospect of being stabilized by drugs and took them for two and a half months before deciding to come off of them cold turkey. If you know anything about this, you know that sometimes it's not the easiest thing to do. I'm in a much better place than I was in October, but it's still not the easiest time of my life. Sometimes things happen with friends that freak you out and kind of turn you into an anxiety ridden psychopath for a month. Sometimes you make a 30% on a Geology quiz and decide that rocks aren't your speciality. Sometimes you sit in Starbucks for hours overanalyzing everything. And then sometimes, you cry in your bathroom floor over pizza.
Life hits you hard sometimes. You make realizations that hurt you so much that you can't breathe and make you feel like less than dirt. You lose friends and it honestly feels like you're going through the hardest breakup of your life. People drunkenly admit things to you and then seemingly forget about any semblance of feelings that they had. Guys leave and then come back and then leave and the come back AGAIN, and you let it happen even though they've hurt you repeatedly. Vases break and Chick fil A forgets your Chick fil A sauce. Life pushes you down and keeps you there. In the words of my friends about me, "It's like that day that you wore your John Mayer shirt and you had a test and it rained and you cried for 3 hours. But that's life."
So what am I trying to say here? I'm not okay. And that's okay. My life has been a mess lately, and that's okay. Why do we all try to act like we've got it together? No one has it together! I promise you that no one that you know has it together. That girl that keeps everything clean and organized and is involved and has a boyfriend and a 4.0 GPA? Yeah not even her. So I say it's time that we all say that we say that we're not okay. Our Instagrams may be happy and smiling, but what does your Tumblr look like? What do you actually feel on a day to day basis? Embrace that and realize that other people are there too. You will be okay eventually. And so will I. Life will come together. You will keep walking and kick life's ass after it has kicked yours. So hold your head high and keep walking. It's okay to not be okay.
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