Walking Alone

If you know me at all, even if we've just met in passing, then you know that I love John Mayer. Actually, no, I don't love John Mayer. I LOOOOOOOVE John Mayer. So when I came across this picture with these lyrics from "The Age of Worry" on it, I knew that it needed to serve as a daily reminder to me. I am terrified to be alone. I hate feeling abandoned or like i've been left. When I lose friends, it hits me on such a deep emotional level that I am literally not myself for months. I do everything in my power to make people happy, even if that means compromising my own happiness. All of that ultimately comes down to the fact that I am so scared of being left. 

But where does that leave me? Emotionally spent. I am the queen of giving and giving and giving in relationships until I have absolutely nothing left to give. I am also, unfortunately, the queen of not really getting anything in return. Now don't get me wrong, I do have some awesome friendships that I have a great balance in. Those are honestly what keep me going. But I also have people that only keep me around because they know that I'll be the person to come pick them up when they need it. Obviously that's not okay. Obviously that's toxic on such a high level. But i'm terrified of losing these people, so I continue to give. 

This week, I've realized that I can't do that anymore. I can't pour myself out without getting even the smallest bit refilled. I can no longer rely on people who center their worlds around themselves. I have to lose my fear to walk alone. It's a scary thought, but it's also the only way that I can really find who I am. It's okay if I don't always have someone to hang out with. I will be okay if i'm not going to dinner with someone every night. Losing friends is worth being in a better place with myself. People leave and that's okay. It's a natural part of life and it happens to everyone. Bad people leave to make room in your heart for the better people that are going to stumble their way into your life. So I'm learning to just embrace walking alone. I'm going to embrace finding my worth in myself and not in people who see worth in no one but themselves.