A Fork in the Road

Take a moment and imagine that you're walking down a road with someone. This person may be a friend or significant other or honestly anyone who is in your life. You're both walking together until you hit a fork in the road and for whatever reason, you decide to go separate ways. Your paths cross occasionally and you both meet new people on the separate paths that you've chosen. You both keep walking, mostly without each other.
This, as i've come to realize with the help of some friends, is exactly how life works. Everyone changes. It's a fact and it's human nature. And more often than not, some people you knew before don't fit into who you have become and that's okay. It's okay to tell someone that they no longer fit who you are and the life that you're living. Your paths are still going to cross, of course, you just won't be as close anymore and that's okay. You don't owe anyone any explanation for how you chose to live your life. On the other hand, if you truly care for the person, you'll give them an explanation. Because trust me, it SUCKS with a capital sucks for someone to take a fork in the road while you think they're still next to you. But other people change too and guess what? That's okay. They're allowed to do it just like you are. Sometimes, you have to get rid of people to become yourself. You have to take some time to yourself and shed things that you think are keeping you from doing that. And so do other people. So next time you find yourself at a fork with someone, do what you feel. Explain to them the situation and keep walking until your paths cross again. And when those paths cross, smile and say hello. Maybe walk the next few miles together, until something in your life makes you branch off again. There's a bigger plan and there's someone making sure that the right people are put into it at the right times. So, keep walking.

Walking Alone

If you know me at all, even if we've just met in passing, then you know that I love John Mayer. Actually, no, I don't love John Mayer. I LOOOOOOOVE John Mayer. So when I came across this picture with these lyrics from "The Age of Worry" on it, I knew that it needed to serve as a daily reminder to me. I am terrified to be alone. I hate feeling abandoned or like i've been left. When I lose friends, it hits me on such a deep emotional level that I am literally not myself for months. I do everything in my power to make people happy, even if that means compromising my own happiness. All of that ultimately comes down to the fact that I am so scared of being left. 

But where does that leave me? Emotionally spent. I am the queen of giving and giving and giving in relationships until I have absolutely nothing left to give. I am also, unfortunately, the queen of not really getting anything in return. Now don't get me wrong, I do have some awesome friendships that I have a great balance in. Those are honestly what keep me going. But I also have people that only keep me around because they know that I'll be the person to come pick them up when they need it. Obviously that's not okay. Obviously that's toxic on such a high level. But i'm terrified of losing these people, so I continue to give. 

This week, I've realized that I can't do that anymore. I can't pour myself out without getting even the smallest bit refilled. I can no longer rely on people who center their worlds around themselves. I have to lose my fear to walk alone. It's a scary thought, but it's also the only way that I can really find who I am. It's okay if I don't always have someone to hang out with. I will be okay if i'm not going to dinner with someone every night. Losing friends is worth being in a better place with myself. People leave and that's okay. It's a natural part of life and it happens to everyone. Bad people leave to make room in your heart for the better people that are going to stumble their way into your life. So I'm learning to just embrace walking alone. I'm going to embrace finding my worth in myself and not in people who see worth in no one but themselves. 

It's Okay. I'm Okay... Or I Will Be.

As I sit at a desk that's actually clean enough for me to put my laptop on, drinking water instead of Diet Coke and coffee, next to a bed that's cleaned off to the point that i'm not sleeping under clothes, I am actually caught up on all of my reading for my classes, have a few volunteer hours under my belt already, and seemingly have my life together. I got 10 hours of sleep last night and woke up early enough to go get breakfast and have a little bit of leisure time before my first class. On paper, i've actually got my life together (or as together as a 19 year old can get), but as I was sitting in class this morning I realized that I don't have anything together. At all. This semester has hit me like a freight train, and i've just kind of been laying on the tracks trying to figure out how to stand back up.
If you know me pretty well, you know that i'm pretty honest. You also know that I had a super rough month long patch in October last year that culminated with a doctors visit on Halloween last year. In the name of honesty, I have to talk about that experience. I left that doctors office with a Prozac prescription and a complete feeling of defeat. I hadn't felt as bad as I did at that point since I was in the eleventh grade (which we just don't talk about. Ever.). I wasn't thrilled with the prospect of being stabilized by drugs and took them for two and a half months before deciding to come off of them cold turkey. If you know anything about this, you know that sometimes it's not the easiest thing to do. I'm in a much better place than I was in October, but it's still not the easiest time of my life. Sometimes things happen with friends that freak you out and kind of turn you into an anxiety ridden psychopath for a month. Sometimes you make a 30% on a Geology quiz and decide that rocks aren't your speciality. Sometimes you sit in Starbucks for hours overanalyzing everything. And then sometimes, you cry in your bathroom floor over pizza.
Life hits you hard sometimes. You make realizations that hurt you so much that you can't breathe and make you feel like less than dirt. You lose friends and it honestly feels like you're going through the hardest breakup of your life. People drunkenly admit things to you and then seemingly forget about any semblance of feelings that they had. Guys leave and then come back and then leave and the come back AGAIN, and you let it happen even though they've hurt you repeatedly. Vases break and Chick fil A forgets your Chick fil A sauce. Life pushes you down and keeps you there. In the words of my friends about me, "It's like that day that you wore your John Mayer shirt and you had a test and it rained and you cried for 3 hours. But that's life."
So what am I trying to say here? I'm not okay. And that's okay. My life has been a mess lately, and that's okay. Why do we all try to act like we've got it together? No one has it together! I promise you that no one that you know has it together. That girl that keeps everything clean and organized and is involved and has a boyfriend and a 4.0 GPA? Yeah not even her. So I say it's time that we all say that we say that we're not okay. Our Instagrams may be happy and smiling, but what does your Tumblr look like? What do you actually feel on a day to day basis? Embrace that and realize that other people are there too. You will be okay eventually. And so will I. Life will come together. You will keep walking and kick life's ass after it has kicked yours. So hold your head high and keep walking. It's okay to not be okay.