Three Years

I've been spending the past couple of hours reading through old blog posts of mine and it's truly amazing to me. I look at all of these times that I thought my life was over. That I thought that I was down in the dumps and still held on to hope that things would work out. The positivity always works out. And that's the driving factor through life, isn't it? Knowing that no matter what, everything will work out. Everything always works out.

Lately, I've been very much into letting go. Letting go of worries about what's happened and what's to come and what people are saying about me and my life. Letting go of the fear of failure because as long as I'm afraid of failure, I will never have the success that i've been working toward for my entire life. Letting go of the thought that my life isn't on time and on track because it's not following the plan that a small town in the south has pre selected for me. And as someone who hates to not be in control, that's a terrifying thing to do. Getting hands off with my own life and working hard toward my dreams and goals and letting everything else fall behind wherever it may has been insane for me.

And that's okay.

I've realized recently that I want more, or less, depending on how you look at it. If you had asked me at 15 what my biggest dream was I would have told you that it would have been to have a tiny studio apartment in a city and to travel so much that no one could keep up with me. At 18, it would have been a corner office with the same sweeping city views. And i'm slowly coming back to that. Between leaving Auburn and losing friends and losing myself, I had lost sight of my dreams. I had made myself believe that I didn't want more than what this place could offer me. And that's not it at all. I was just terrified of wanting more and getting denied it. But fall down seven times, stand up eight, right?

So I guess the point of this ramble that it's okay to detour. It's amazing to me that the three years of writing and thoughts that this blog holds have all led me to this moment. Back into the room that I wrote about packing up, writing about the same fears, failures, and dreams. Life will always come full circle and deposit you back exactly where you're supposed to be. And it will put you back exactly on the road that you're supposed to be on. And that is both beautiful and terrifying. At any given moment you are exactly where you're supposed to be in your story, whether you like it or not. So turn the page. Keep living. The endings are always happy.

Almost Everything

 Just a little light listening to go along with my mood. Hello again. I have opened up this site and stared at a blank screen more times in this past year than I even want to admit. Since January, I was desperately searching for a way to say what I had been feeling. To vocalize the weight that had been on me. To quote Amanda, it felt like "a fat man was sitting on my chest all the time." And that's exactly how I had been feeling. Overwhelmed. Uncertain. Pushing myself so hard to be the girl that my surroundings told me that I should be. Convincing everyone that I was happy. I was building a future. Or in my mind I was. The funny thing is, I was building a future that I never once could picture myself in. I tried so hard. So so hard. But my mind would never put me in that place. I was doing everything that everyone around me said that I needed for a happy life. I was planning a future that was calm and settled. A future for a girl that I know I wouldn't recognize. And then it all came to a halt. Everything got shaken up. Everything that I thought that I had such a strong and firm control over gave me a swift kick in the ass and reminded me that I'm not always in control. And I forgot that the only thing that I can control is how I feel. And how I react. And I lost control of myself. I lost control of my emotions. I felt like I lost control of my life. And I let that impact me. Hard. I let myself become this person that I didn't recognize. That I didn't like looking at in the mirror. I stopped answering phone calls. I went to work, I came home. I did school work (pulled a 4.0 in my first mini-mester though ayyyye) and went to work. I laid in my bed and wallowed in my pity and acted like I was the first person to ever be in this position. I blamed everyone but myself. And then I blamed myself. I really blamed myself. I let words that someone had said to me get into my head and I let them convince me that I was a lesser person. I wasn't someone worthy of friendship or having fun or being happy. I put myself into a dark place all because I let myself lose control. I self medicated and I took 1 step forward and about 15 steps back. I was going nowhere and I wasn't allowing myself to go anywhere.
This weekend, I had concert tickets to go to a show that Amanda and I had planned on going to forever. So I pulled myself out of bed and I drove to Atlanta. And for the first time in about eight months, I could breathe. I walked into an apartment full of people who genuinely care about me. Friends who I picked up with even after not talking to them for months. Friends who looked at me and said "You lost weight, you need to put some of it back on." Friends who asked how I was and genuinely cared about the response. As I sat on a sidewalk in Buckhead eating a meatball sub at 2 AM (long story) I realized that THIS is who I was supposed to be. This was a future that I could see myself in. The same future that 10 year old me pictured when we drove through the city. The same future that I was working on building before I moved home from Florida. I woke up Saturday morning to texts that would have sent me into an anxiety attack just a few days before. But I was fine. I could breathe. I cleared out my messages, got up, and went to brunch with my best friend. And it was there, sitting in that restaurant that I realized that I would, in fact, "have a nice life." I watched people walk down the sidewalk in midtown. I looked at the people around me. I had a real conversation about the future and I could breathe. I looked at all of these different people and I felt okay. I felt at home. I didn't feel like I was drowning. I understood. I had to try to become a person that I wasn't and I had to get hurt to realize that I never would have lived the life that I had envisioned for my younger self. I would have lived a life that I was content with, sure. But would it have been anything that I was proud of? I was 21 years old and terrified that nothing that I was going to do for the rest of my life would beat what i've already done. And I'm too young to be having that thought. So I picked myself up. I drank my mimosa. And I let that sh*t go.
Have I said and done things in the past month that I regret? Absolutely. Did I become a person that I didn't recognize? Yes. Yes times a thousand. Am I angry at anyone? No. I am so incredibly thankful for the patience that so many people have shown me while I've been trying to find myself, even when I didn't deserve it. Especially when I didn't deserve it.
So I guess the moral of this is, don't compromise yourself. Ever. Don't do something that you're not sure about. Because even though it may be good, it will kick you in the tail if it's not meant for you. And you know better than anyone what's good for you and what's not. You can save yourself so, so much pain.
And I guess that's that for now. Hopefully it wont be a year before I talk to you again. But if it is, cheers to the next year.

Embrace the Unexpected

Wow, hi.

So it's been a hot second since i've written on here. Obviously life and Disney and moving to Florida and being 120% unsure of what i'm even doing with my life has gotten in the way! Yay!

If you're wondering how life down here is going... well... it's going. Was it everything that I expected that it would be? In all honesty, no, it's not. And honesty is what we thrive on here on my little corner of the internet, right? Right! So it hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows. It's been crying in stockrooms and calling my mom begging for $700 for an immediate flight home. It's been late nights and early mornings at work. It's been wondering why in the world I decided on a whim to pack up my life and move 9 hours away from all of my friends and family. On the other hand, it's been late nights at Magic Kingdom and enough Dole Whips to make anyone sick of pineapple for the next 15 years. It's been finding friends that I am positive will be forever friends. It's been hula dancing at work and middle of the night trips to Steak 'n Shake. And most of all, it's been a lot of soul searching. And that soul searching has done me some good, I think.

Before I moved, I had nothing to write. I had no thoughts worth putting onto paper (or computer screen). I was completely and utterly blank. I was at a gray area in my life, between different versions of me. It was a weird transitionary period in my life that I thank God every day for getting me out of quickly. I can happily say that I am at a new stable point in my life and that I think I am more myself than I have been in a very long time. And what has brought me to this point? All of the crazy, unexpected events that have happened in 2016 have a lot to do with it, I believe.

Disney was nothing like I expected. I expected spending all of my time in the parks and loving everyone that I met here and wanting to spend the rest of my life in the college program. I had even looked into loving it so much that I transfer to school down here and just stay. Obviously, that wasn't the case. It's not that I don't love it, this just isn't the life for me. And that was unexpected. You know the saying "Roll with the punches."? Yeah the unexpectedness of this hitting me was like rolling with being hit by a freight train. I was confused that I didn't love it. I was worried that I was somehow living life down here wrong. I was mostly sad that the one place that had my heart didn't bring me the happiness that I had been searching for. Thankfully, I'm not the only person who felt this way. Many people have realized that this just isn't the life for them. And that's okay. I've realized that I belong in the South. I miss my little Southern town where life was slow. I miss days on the lake and all of my friends. Mostly, I miss having sweet tea wherever I go. I miss my friends more than I am even able to convey in words without breaking down into tears. So to say I'm ready to be home for the summer and then in Jacksonville in the fall is an understatement.

Through this life being hard, I've figured a lot out about myself. Working keeps me occupied and I actually like it. It gives me purpose. And hard work is the most rewarding thing. People aren't always going to be what you expect them to. Love them anyway. You don't have to like them, but we are called to love everyone, regardless of what they do. Keep your positivity, no matter how much you want to curl up into a ball and cry. I could be having the worst day in the world, but they second that my feet hit the Polynesian property, I pull out all of the positivity that I have, even if i'm pulling from reserves. That positivity will brighten someone else's day and putting a smile on a stranger's face is the single most fulfilling thing that I have ever done. Every single one of those realizations came from having an unexpected life down here. And every single one of those realizations have helped me become the improved person that I am today.

So basically, what i'm saying is, embrace what happens to you. If someone from your past pops back up into your life, embrace it. You never know where it could lead. If you get bad news, embrace it. All of the hard times are just helping pave the yellow brick road to your perfect future. If your life isn't exactly what you thought it would be, embrace the heck out of it, because I promise all of the imperfections will help you become the person that you were destined to be.

So with that said, peace out homies. If you made it this far, thanks for listening to my ramblings. I'm sure i'll be back here soon. Peace and blessings, my friends.

Freshman Reflections

9 months ago I moved into Maria Glenn Hall naive, excited, and 15 pounds lighter than I am today. Today I hugged my roommate goodbye and for the first time all year sat in my empty dorm room. All of our personal touches and cozy additions are gone. It's just me, a MacBook, and a box of cheez-it's (okay that's an exaggeration, but those are the essentials). I've spent the past few minutes reflecting on this year and all of the emotions from it hit me faster than I could ever imagine. Auburn has nurtured me and taught me in so many more ways than academically this year. I will never, ever be able to fully put into words the transformation that has happened in me this year or all of the lessons that I have learned. However, being the writer at heart that I am, i'm darn sure going to try. 

You've got to keep going.

I was taught this by a few really, really good friends of mine. You will get hurt. You will get kicked to the ground and picked back up only to be kicked again. And you will want to give up. You will shut everyone out and start to self-destruct. But if I've learned anything this year, it's that life goes on and so do you. In my case, I just had to realize that sometimes I'm a little (lot) bit dramatic and I way overthink things. You've got to let it go and move on with your life. There are better and brighter days ahead and you'll forget about all of the hurt.

Sometimes, all you need is your mom (or dad or whoever).

You're going to have those days where you cry while you're walking home from your geology class (side note: GEOLOGY ISN'T ROCKS FOR JOCKS IT'S ACTUALLY REALLY HARD OKAY) where all you want to do is talk to your parents. Call them. I promise, just hearing a loved one's voice is enough to help you get through a dark time. And if you're me and take every breakdown to extremes, some good quality time with your parents will completely change you. A trip home will completely refresh your outlook and get you reenergized, which leads me to....

SLEEP.

You will lose your mind if you don't. Just trust me. 

It's okay to change. It's okay to drift from people. You shouldn't have to apologize. But you should explain.

Friends come and go, especially as a freshman. It's the age old tale of latching on to some of the first people that you meet because you're all just starting out. You all want friends and a social life. And you WILL have some of the best (and most embarrassing) memories of your year with these people. Whether it's late night runs to McDonald's or that unfortunate time on the front steps of your dorm or that time they LEFT YOU ACROSS TOWN (I'm still salty @samantha @andrew. Kidding. Kind of.) you will look back on these fondly and laugh for a while to come. But as the year goes on, you'll all make new friends and find yourselves and branch off. If you're the result of someone drifting from you, it can hurt. It can make you mad. It can upset you. Until you realize that you've been doing the same thing to someone else... You're allowed to make new friends. You're allowed to slowly transition some people out of your life. But do it like a good friend of mine did. Explain yourself and your reasons. Don't just shut someone out for no reason. They may not understand at first, but I promise, it will all come together for the better. 

Boys/relationships/whatever aren't important. Like at all.

I don't even know if I have the accurate amount of words to stress this. Don't let a boy make you cry. Don't think that you know someone because you've known them for two weeks. This year, I found myself and it took a lot of alone time and soul searching. To be honest, I don't think I would be at the place emotionally that I am today if I had been dating someone. But on that same note, I would be so much further along if I hadn't worried about trying to date someone. You have 4 years and all of your life beyond that. Give it time. God has a plan. 

Ask for help when you need it. Don't be embarrassed.

If you're struggling, tell someone. Get help. I cannot stress this enough. Do not let it build up and do not try to self-medicate. There are so many people who will rush to get you whatever help that you need, you've just got to take that brave first step and ask.

Finally, make mistakes. Live your life. Make memories. Regret nothing.

Go to that social even though you don't have a date, you'll have more fun getting dressed up and dancing with your sisters anyway. Go on a milkshake run at 1AM just because. Get a study room in the library with your friends and laugh a little bit more than you should. Take the spontaneous road trip for doughnuts. Go get pizza in your pajamas when your friends call you at 9:30. Cry when you need to. Laugh when you're happy. Love every moment of your life and take it all in. Before you know it, you'll be sitting in an empty dorm room, wondering where the time went. 

"I look around myself wildly, my heart bursting with grief and fear and joy. I am leaving, but I will take this place and its stories with me wherever I go." - Jennifer Donnelly

One More Trip Around the Sun{Shine}

A lot has happened since this date a year ago. I started college, gained friends, lost friends, and had some of the best times of my life. But i've also had some of the worst. If you know me fairly well then you know that in the last 365 days my family's had to go through more than we were honestly prepared for. If you would've asked me on the night of March 10th, 2014 if I would wake up the next day to my mom telling me that my grandparent's house had burned, I would've stared at you like you were an idiot. In fact, I tweeted "I think a trip to see my grandparents in PCB is due soon." at 3 that afternoon. But, I guess God had different plans. I woke up to tragic news and was in Atlanta that afternoon sitting in a waiting room with the rest of my shell shocked family. No one knew what to say. No one could say anything. That morning we lost a member of our family that was so very precious and a long, hard month later we ended up losing my grandfather as well. It was a lot and it was hard.
But in the 365 days that have followed, I've learned more than I ever have and grown from what has happened. I am blessed. Life sucks sometimes, but I've got more blessings than I could ever imagine. I've got a happy and healthy family that loves me. My grandmother is still here and even though it's been a long year, she's done so much better than what was initially expected. I've also learned to cherish what I still have in my life. If I could've done my life differently, I would've actually gone and visited or even just called instead of tweeting about it. You never ever know what you have until it's gone. I've made sure that my loved ones know how much I care about them more now than my "busy" mind would let me prior to that. Most importantly, i've learned to cherish each day. We're not promised the next one. A house could burn or a car could crash. And as morbid as that sounds, it's the truth. You never know when you're never going to hear someone's voice again. You never know when the last time you roll your eyes at someone asking if you've been "swimming with bow legged women" is going to be. Cherish it. Laugh a little louder and cry when you need to. Live life to the fullest and do everything big. Make sure that the people who matter to you know it.
And with all of that said, I want to say that I'm proud of who I am. I'm proud to be the granddaughter of a man who went above and beyond anything that he had to do. I pray daily that I find someone that is even a quarter of the man that he didn't ever have to be. He was selfless and loved everyone that he met deeply. He never met a stranger and would give someone the clothes off of his back if he could. I'm proud to share his last name and I miss him every single day. Life's hard, but every time I catch a western while i'm channel surfing or catch a ray of sun coming through the window on a hard day, I know i'm not alone.
We all miss you PawPaw and Teddy, but I am so thankful for the lives that you lived. You both helped teach me how to love others. You made me smile a little bigger and laugh a little harder. Thank you. 

A Fork in the Road

Take a moment and imagine that you're walking down a road with someone. This person may be a friend or significant other or honestly anyone who is in your life. You're both walking together until you hit a fork in the road and for whatever reason, you decide to go separate ways. Your paths cross occasionally and you both meet new people on the separate paths that you've chosen. You both keep walking, mostly without each other.
This, as i've come to realize with the help of some friends, is exactly how life works. Everyone changes. It's a fact and it's human nature. And more often than not, some people you knew before don't fit into who you have become and that's okay. It's okay to tell someone that they no longer fit who you are and the life that you're living. Your paths are still going to cross, of course, you just won't be as close anymore and that's okay. You don't owe anyone any explanation for how you chose to live your life. On the other hand, if you truly care for the person, you'll give them an explanation. Because trust me, it SUCKS with a capital sucks for someone to take a fork in the road while you think they're still next to you. But other people change too and guess what? That's okay. They're allowed to do it just like you are. Sometimes, you have to get rid of people to become yourself. You have to take some time to yourself and shed things that you think are keeping you from doing that. And so do other people. So next time you find yourself at a fork with someone, do what you feel. Explain to them the situation and keep walking until your paths cross again. And when those paths cross, smile and say hello. Maybe walk the next few miles together, until something in your life makes you branch off again. There's a bigger plan and there's someone making sure that the right people are put into it at the right times. So, keep walking.

Walking Alone

If you know me at all, even if we've just met in passing, then you know that I love John Mayer. Actually, no, I don't love John Mayer. I LOOOOOOOVE John Mayer. So when I came across this picture with these lyrics from "The Age of Worry" on it, I knew that it needed to serve as a daily reminder to me. I am terrified to be alone. I hate feeling abandoned or like i've been left. When I lose friends, it hits me on such a deep emotional level that I am literally not myself for months. I do everything in my power to make people happy, even if that means compromising my own happiness. All of that ultimately comes down to the fact that I am so scared of being left. 

But where does that leave me? Emotionally spent. I am the queen of giving and giving and giving in relationships until I have absolutely nothing left to give. I am also, unfortunately, the queen of not really getting anything in return. Now don't get me wrong, I do have some awesome friendships that I have a great balance in. Those are honestly what keep me going. But I also have people that only keep me around because they know that I'll be the person to come pick them up when they need it. Obviously that's not okay. Obviously that's toxic on such a high level. But i'm terrified of losing these people, so I continue to give. 

This week, I've realized that I can't do that anymore. I can't pour myself out without getting even the smallest bit refilled. I can no longer rely on people who center their worlds around themselves. I have to lose my fear to walk alone. It's a scary thought, but it's also the only way that I can really find who I am. It's okay if I don't always have someone to hang out with. I will be okay if i'm not going to dinner with someone every night. Losing friends is worth being in a better place with myself. People leave and that's okay. It's a natural part of life and it happens to everyone. Bad people leave to make room in your heart for the better people that are going to stumble their way into your life. So I'm learning to just embrace walking alone. I'm going to embrace finding my worth in myself and not in people who see worth in no one but themselves.